L in Wonderland
by IKilledMisa
Summary: L see's what looks like a strange rabbit version of Light and ends up falling into a magical world where nothing is what it seems. Wonderland! Crack fanfic
1. Down the Rabbit Hole

**L in Wonderland**

L opened his eyes he was sitting on a bench in the sun. He looked around and saw a tall, slim, brown haired boy of about 18 walking along. _There's Light_ thought L. Something was different about Light though he had two white rabbit ears on the top of his head and a fluffy white tail. "Hey Light" waved L. The strange rabbit like Light turned around looking confused

"What? I'm not Light. I'm the White Rabbit"

"Yeah of course you are Light. Why are you dressed like that?" L rolled his eyes

"I'm sorry but you have the wrong person, I'm the White Rabbit" he said.

_Maybe I should just play along with this game _L thought. 'White Rabbit' took an oversized gold pocket watch out of his crimson red jacket. "OH MY GOODNESS!! I'M LATE!!" 'White Rabbit' yelled and started to run

"Hey Light.....I mean Mr Rabbit!" L called out but the 'White Rabbit' just ran. L started to run after him

"I'm late, I'm late for a very important date!" he cried out waving his oversized pocket watch in the air while he ran.

"Mr Rabbit" L called out running after him but the 'White Rabbit' just turned and pointed to his giant watch

"No time to say 'hello' good bye. I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!" the 'White Rabbit' disappeared over a hill. When L reached the hill he was just in time to see 'White Rabbit' disappear into a small hole. L walked up to the hole trying to catch his breath. He inspected the hole. "Hmmm it is awfully small and yet I plainly saw Light squeeze down there" L put his finger to his lips.

_Maybe he was a White Rabbit, I mean his ears and tail didn't look fake. Oh I'm being silly_. Thought L smacking himself on the forehead. "If Light can squeeze in there so can I" he said and started to crawl into the hole. It was a very tight squeeze.

_How the heck did Light manage to get in here? _Thought L struggling to move.

_What was he late for? Did he have a date with Misa? No, Light wouldn't be bothered about being late for a date with Misa. Maybe it was a party but if he was a rabbit then why would a rabbit go to a party? _L tried to crawl through the rabbit hole. "Ah! I'm getting stuck" he moaned. He wriggled around in the dark for a while. "WHAAAA!!" he screamed as he suddenly felt himself falling. He continued to fall everything around him was blurry like he was underwater or something. He could feel himself falling but it felt like he was floating. Clocks would pass him while he fell. "Oh my! this is the last time I ever try going down a rabbit hole" L said to himself. Suddenly all the floating clocks started to ring, break and some where even melting. L didn't know what was going on. Then he felt himself falling fast again "WHAAAAA!!!" he shrieked again and shut his eyes.

When he opened them he was in a heap on the floor in a strange room. It was like a hall with a high ceiling and marble floors. It had a table in the middle of it and a tiny door at the end. He stood up to dust himself off but noticed something different about himself. He was wearing a short, bright blue dress with short puff sleeves, white lace frills under the skirt it also had white lace around the neckline and a big black satin bow on the front. He wore a little white frilly apron and white knee length socks and a pair of little black buckle school girl shoes. All of this was topped off with a cute bow in his messy black hair. L screamed. "AHHHH!!! I'm wearing a dress! Where are my normal clothes?!"

"Where indeed" said a voice. L looked around but there was nobody there

"Who said that?" he asked

"Down here" said the voice. It was a familiar voice. It was Watari's voice. The voice was coming from the tiny door at the end of the room. L got on his hands and knees and leant down to see the door handle had a face, Watari's face. "Did Light come through here?" L asked the door

"No but the White Rabbit came through. He was in a terrible hurry. You might catch him if you're quick" said the door handle

"Err…how do I get through you?" L asked knowing that there was no way that he'd fit through the door

"Look in the box on the table" said the door handle. L stood up and went over to the box. He opened it. Inside there was some biscuits and a bottle. The biscuits had 'eat me' written in frosting on them and the bottle had 'drink me' written on it. L sat down and picked up a biscuit, it looked yummy. He shrugged and took a bite out of the biscuit. "OUCH!" he yelled when he hit his head on the ceiling. "Oh no. I'm huge!" moaned L he looked down, he had to be at least 20ft tall minimum, sitting down that is. There was a muffling coming from the door. One of L's black buckle shoes was in the Watari door handle's face. "Oops sorry about that" he said moving his foot

"Not at all. Sometimes it's good to have your foot in the door" the Watari handle laughed.

_What a lame joke_ thought L but laughed anyway out of courtesy. L's head was sore after he hit it. "How do I get back down again?" he yelled to the door

"Drink the bottle but don't forget the key" the door called back up. Suddenly a key appeared, it was a tiny silver key with a red ribbon attached to it. L picked it up and then drank the bottle it tasted like strawberries. He immediately shrank the once tiny key was now bigger than him. "Whoa" L stumbled over trying to hold the key that was now twice his size.

"Whoops careful there" chuckled the door knob. L picked himself off the ground and dusted off his dress and apron

"This is annoying" he moaned

"It may be annoying but it has to be done if you want to get through" said the door

"You aren't helping ya know" snarled L struggling to pick up the key

"I never said I was trying to. I'm only a door knob"

"You're a knob alright" L grumbled dragging the huge key over to the door. He struggled and strained but finally managed to pick the giant key up and slot it into the keyhole. He fell back in a heap on the floor

"Oh there you go. Now all you have to do is turn the key" smiled the door knob

"Sure, no problem" L panted. He stood up and pushed the key with all his strength eventually it turned and flipped poor L over. He bounced across the floor. "Owww my butt" L whined rubbing his sore bum. The door finally opened. L started to walk through it. "By the way" said the door

"What?" said L

"That dress looks great on you. Really shows off your figure" laughed the door knob

"Oh shut up!!" L yelled slamming the door.

* * *

**A/N: Ok guys you are probably gonna be wondering whos gonna be who in this so heres the cast ^_^**

**L: Alice (duh lol)  
Light: White Rabbit (he plays the white rabbit because L is chasing Kira and Kira=Light. Simple as that)  
Misa: Queen of Hearts  
Near: King of Hearts (strange choice I know)  
Mello: Cheshire Cat  
Matt: Smoking Caterpillar  
Beyond Birthday: Mad Hatter  
A: March Hare (I really wanted to include A because I imagine A & BB having a really good friendship like The Mad Hatter & The March Hare)  
Watari: Door handle**


	2. Matt the Caterpillar

L looked around there was nothing but bright green. It was like a jungle he looked up at the sky. There were beautiful flower heads of all sorts of colours above him. "Oh my I'm very small" he scrambled through the blades of grass which were the size of trees now. He looked around. There were a lot of colours around. "Oh I must be in a flower garden" he said

"Well naturally" said a beautiful voice

"Who said that?" L asked turning around

"It was me, my dear. I'm Rose." said a red Rose leaning in close to him and using her leaf as hands and arms to stroke his face

"What? But you're flowers and flowers can't talk"

"Of course we can talk" said an Iris

"As long as there is somebody worth talking to" said a group of Pansies in unison

"I don't believe it" said L walking up to some beautiful pink flowers with amazing petals. He reached out to touch them but they roared viciously and tried to bite him. L screeched and jumped away in fear. "Oh be careful of them. They're Snap Dragons" laughed the Blue Bells while they giggled their heads jingled. L looked at the Blue Bells and smiled. They had a beautiful sound when they jingled. He turned to the Rose. She smiled at him. "I wonder if you can help me Miss Rose" he said

"We'll try and just call me Rose"

"Ok then Rose. You see I'm trying to find my friend Light"

"You can find Light all around us" said a Sunflower waving her leaves

"No I mean that's his name. He has brown hair and is wearing a crimson jacket, he has a big pocket watch and white ears and a white fluffy tail"

"Ahhh you mean the White Rabbit. Yes, he came through here. He went that way" pointed the Rose

_I guess I'm going to have to call him the White Rabbit here, that's how everybody knows him. Maybe he is a rabbit. I mean I'm in a place were flowers and doors can talk so I suppose anything's possible._

"Oh thank you, I should go and find him" L started to walk off when a Daffodil turned to him

"What garden do you come from?" it asked

"I don't come from a garden" L answered

"Oh are you a wild flower?" asked the Blue Bells ringing again

"No. I'm L"

"What strange petals" said the Primrose lifting up the skirt of L's dress

"Hey quit it"

"What interesting stems" said a Tulip

"They're a bit scrawny" said the haughty Iris

"Stop that, I'm not a flower" L insisted batting away the flowers leafs

"Oh no!" shrieked the flowers. "A weed!!"

"I'm not a weed" insisted L

"Leave! Leave right now!" yelled the flowers pushing him. He fell into the middle of the Pansies

"We don't want weeds here" they said. All the flowers started pushing poor L around.

"Fine I'm going!" he called out and walked off grumpily

_If I was my right size I would stomp on them_ L pouted. He wondered through the jungle of bright green grass avoiding all the flowers. As he walked he saw a strange insect it was shaped like a B with black & yellow stripes and wings. L stared at it curiously. "That must be what Bees look like here" he said watching it. L wondered through the grass and saw a strange figure with black & white stripes and black gloves on his arms, red hair and goggles sitting on a mushroom smoking a hookah. He looked like he was wearing a strange caterpillar costume.

_Is that Matt? Why is he dressed like a caterpillar? Oh wait he probably is a caterpillar here._

L walked up to the strange caterpillar. Every time he smoked the hookah the smoke would be exhaled in a strange shape or letter. L walked up to the mushroom and peeked over it. "Hey Matt!" he called out and waved but the strange caterpillar took no notice.

Here he must just be known as a caterpillar. "Hey Mr Caterpillar" he called out. The caterpillar slowly turned his head and took another pull of the hookah. "Who are you?" he said blowing smoke in L's face. L coughed and waved the smoke away.

"Well my name is L or Ryuzaki to some. Don't you recognise me?"

"No" said the caterpillar idly. "I've never seen you before" L plonked himself down on the mushroom.

"Every things so confusing here" he moaned

"No it isn't" said the exhaling the smoke in the shape of an O

"Maybe not to you but to me it is. I was only curious to find out were the White Rabbit was going"

"Oh you were curious. Curiosity is a dangerous thing young lady" L quickly looked up and narrowed his big dark eyes

"I'm not a girl!! The only reason I'm wearing this stupid dress is because my normal clothes disappeared!" L growled

"I C" said the caterpillar making his smoke into letters

"I really want to get back to my normal size" he moaned

"Y?" asked the caterpillar again making his smoke into a letter

"Because I'm not meant to be this height. I don't like it. I'm a human"

"And what may I ask is wrong with being this height?!" shouted the caterpillar

"I'm not used to it and don't shout at me!" L yelled back and stormed off

"Wait young man! Come back!" the caterpillar called out. L turned around and walked back to the caterpillar who took another pull of his hookah

"What is it?" L asked climbing onto the mushroom again

"Keep your temper" said the caterpillar calmly. "By the way if you really want to know. One side of the mushroom will make you grow taller and the other will make you grow shorter" L looked down at the mushroom. He took two chunks out of it. One from the left side and one from the right. He looked at the two pieces. L didn't like mushrooms and felt sick at the thought of having to taste the icky things but if it got him back to his normal size than he'd have to do it.

_Which is which? Last time I took a bite out of one of these size changing thingees I ended up filling the whole room and that was only a small bite._

L picked the left side of the mushroom and licked it lightly. Quick as a flash he was back to his normal size. "That's more like it. I'll save these they may come in handy" he smiled putting the mushroom pieces in the pockets of his frilly apron. He got on his hands and knees and looked at the caterpillar. Who was in shock. "Thanks Mr Caterpillar" whispered L so as not to deafen the caterpillar.

L looked around things were so much prettier and clearer now that he was back to his normal size. He did feel sick after tasting the mushroom but he tried to forget it by looking at the scenery. The grass was bright green; there were all types of beautiful colours from the flowers and bushes. In the distance L could see a path. "Well logically I should go down there" he said to himself walking towards the path. "I just wish I had my normal clothes. I swear if get mistaken for a girl again I'm gonna throw a bitch fit" he moaned. He suddenly stopped and scratched his head. Accidentally getting his hand caught in his bow.

_Did I really just say that? This place is weird_ he thought and carried on walking down the path. The path leads into the forest. It didn't look a very pleasant forest but that's were the path lead and so that's where he had to go.


	3. Mello the Cheshire Cat

L walked into the forest it wasn't as bad as it looked from the outside. "I'm hungry" said L. He looked around for something to eat. He saw something weird in the tree. "What's that?" L said and reached for the tree before he could touch it a strange bird jumped out with a trumpet as a beak *Parp!!* Right in L's face and flew away. L watched it fly away slightly shocked. "I see it's a Horn Bill bird" L laughed to himself and carried on walking. He finally found a tree that wasn't full of strange creatures. It was covered in brownish apples but they weren't brown because they were rotten. L put his thumb to his lips and looked at the strange tree. He was very hungry….as always. L smiled. "It's a candy apple tree!" he said and picked an apple off but he got his hand slapped. "Ouch!"

"What do you think you're doing?!" said the tree grumpily

"Well I was hungry and I saw the candy apples and…."

"Uh huh, well how would you like it if someone came up and picked something off of you?" growled the tree. L suddenly got an idea.

"Well fine then. I don't want any of _your_ apples anyway" said L egging the tree on

"Are you saying there is something wrong with my candy apples?" grumbled the tree

"Oh no, it's just I don't like my candy apples sour and rotten"

"Hey! You take that back right now!!" yelled the tree

"Nah, I'm sure there's another tree with_ good_ candy apples" L said walking off

"Why you little!" growled the tree and started to throw candy apples at L. L picked up a big bunch of the candy apples and took a big bite out of one of them

"Thank you!" he said triumphantly with his mouthful while the tree yelled curses at him.

L walked contently down the path munching his apples. He suddenly saw a familiar brown haired and bunny eared figure running. "Oh I'm so late!" he yelled. L dropped his apples

"Mr White Rabbit, wait" L chased after him

"I'm late, I'm late for a very important date" the rabbit kept chanting. L was just in time to see his white ears and tail disappear into the dark of the woods.

"Oh for goodness sake. Would it harm him to just spare a minuet?" moaned L. L stood in the woods pouting. Then L heard something. It was like jolly singing it was all around him. Barely a whisper. "My head begins to jingle most every time I nod cos obviously, quite obviously I'm odd".

_Where's that coming from?_ Wondered L turning around to see if he could find anyone

"Each Christmas I go fishing to catch a Christmas cod cos obviously, quite obviously I'm odd"

"Hello? Who's there?"

"Looking for somebody?" said a voice coming from the tree above him. L looked up to see a smile but no face or body.

"Err…well I was just wondering"

"Oh that's ok. Just one moment" said the smile then suddenly two eyes appeared above it. "Second chorus. When I was just a kitten they said I'd be a gem but now that I'm a Cheshire cat it's odd how odd I am" the voice sang and slowly a body appeared. The body had purple and pink stripes on him and a head of shoulder length blonde hair with two purple cat ears. His tail waved and he held in his pink paw a chocolate bar. He took a bite out of the chocolate and smiled.

_Wait that's Mello!_

"You, you're a cat" smiled L pointing to the Mello cat

"A Cheshire cat" he replied bowing his head

"Could you help me?" asked L

"Well that depends on what you need help with" said the Cheshire cat taking another bite of his chocolate and swinging his legs from the branch he was sitting on.

"I'd just like to know which way I should go"

"That depends on where you wanna get to"

"Well I don't really know"

"Then if you don't know where you wanna go it doesn't matter which way you go" said the Cheshire cat jumping off his branch and disappearing. L looked puzzled.

_Where'd he go?_

"Oh by the way if you'd like to know he went that way" called out the Cheshire cat from the branch behind L.

"Who went that way?" asked L

"The White Rabbit"

"Did he?"

"Did what?"

"Go that way"

"Who did?"

"The White Rabbit"

"What rabbit?"

"Oh forget it!"

"Forget what?" L rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Can you stand on your head?" asked the Cheshire cat taking off his head and standing on it.

"Quit messing around" ordered L putting his hands on his hips

"Let me pull myself together" Cheshire cat said putting his head back on his shoulders. "If I were looking for a White Rabbit I'd ask the Mad Hatter"

"The Mad Hatter? I don't think I should do that" said L

"Well there's always the March Hare in that direction. Of course he's mad too"

"But I don't want to be around mad people" complained L

"Oh you can't stop that. Pretty much everyone's mad in Wonderland. As you might've noticed I'm not all there myself" laughed the Cheshire cat as he started to disappear leaving L alone in the forest. With only his laughter echoing.

_If everyone's mad here I should be careful anyway I look pretty mad myself in this dress _thought L and headed down the path in the direction that the Cheshire cat had pointed him in.

* * *


	4. BB & A's Mad Tea Party

L didn't have to walk too far before he came to the edge of the forest. He walked into the bright sunshine and bright green grass. He saw a beautiful garden arch with roses growing over it and could hear music and voices. "I must be on the right track to find the Mad Hatter & March Hare" said L walking through the archway into a beautiful garden. There were pretty flowers and bushes and some statues. Up ahead there was a long table laid out with lots of chairs and lots of tea pots and cakes but only two people were there. They were singing while the teapots whistled. L walked up closer and watched the pair from behind another garden arch. One was a pale, skinny scruffy black haired man. He had bright red eyes with dark circles under them and looked astoundingly like L. He wore a black & red suit with a very large, oversized black & red hat which was slightly tipped on its side with a price label still on it that said '10/6' and the other had golden blonde hair and two brown rabbit ears he also had dark circles under his eyes but they were less defined. He had a nice suit on that had a nice big bow tie.

_Oh my! That's B.B. & A_

The mad pair were singing and drinking tea. They didn't even notice L. "A very merry beyond-birthday to us!" they were singing. "A very merry beyond-birthday to me" sung the March Hare

"To who?" sung the Mad Hatter

"To me"

"Oh you"

"A very merry beyond-birthday to you"

"Who me?"

"To you"

"Oh me"

"Now lets celebrate with another cup of tea. A very merry beyond-birthday to you!!" the pair sung together. L had taken a seat at the head of the long table in a big comfortable arm chair. When the two had stopped singing L clapped. The two looked over to him and shooed him calling out. "No room! No room! No room! No room!" together

"I thought there was plenty of room" said L slightly confused

"Yes but it's very rude to sit down at a party without being invited" said the March Hare wagging his finger

"I'll say it's rude!" shouted the Mad Hatter adjusting his big hat. "It's very, very rude indeed"

"I'm sorry but I did enjoy your singing"

"Really? You enjoyed our singing" said the March Hare jumping onto the table with happiness

"Oh how lovely, we never get compliments. You must have a cup of tea" insisted Mad Hatter pointing to his tea

"Yes have a cup of tea" said the March Hare and he picked up a tea pot and started to pour March Hare handed it to L. "Oh thank you" said L reaching out for it. "I'm sorry I interrupted your birthday party but I…." March Hare snatched the tea back

"Birthday? My friend this is not a birthday party"

"Of course not. This is a beyond-birthday party" sniggered Mad Hatter

"Huh? I don't get it"

"Ha-ha he doesn't know what a beyond-birthday is" laughed March Hare

_He? These two are the first to realise I'm a guy even though I have this stupid dress. In this world they must be considered the maddest of the mad._

"Oh that's silly" laughed Mad Hatter taking off his big hat and taking a cream & jam scone from under it. He put his hat back on and took a bite from the scone. "I shall enlighten you" he said jumping into the centre of the table. The tea pots whistled at him. "Well thank you. Now where was I?" he said

"You were about to tell me what a beyond-birthday is" said L looking down at his tea

"Ahh yes. Now you have one birthday a year"

"Just one birthday a year" repeated March Hare. The Mad Hatter hit March Hare on the head. "Shut up! I'm explaining it *ahem*. You have one birthday a year. But there are 364 beyond-birthdays" said Mad Hatter leaning close to L. L had his thumb to his mouth trying to grasp the crazy concept

"Well than that means it's my beyond-birthday too!" he exclaimed

"It is?" said an excited March Hare

"What a small world we live in" laughed Mad Hatter. The March Hare pulled L out of his seat and he and the Mad Hatter started to dance around L singing their beyond-birthday song. L was actually having fun with the Mad Hatter & March Hare. Sure they were insane but it was still quite fun.

"Now old chap how about some more tea?" said Mad Hatter

"Well I haven't managed to have any yet so I can't take more"

"You mean you can't take less" said March Hare

"Yes, you can always have more than nothing" added Mad Hatter pouring out a cup for L

_Though I don't like to agree with B.B. he is right about that_

"Something seems to be troubling you. Won't you tell us about it?" said March Hare

"Start at the beginning and when you come to the end…stop" chuckled Mad Hatter adjusting his hat again and handing L the tea.

"Well it all started when I was sitting on the bench waiting for Light…."

"CLEAN CUP! MOVE DOWN!" yelled the Mad Hatter

"But I haven't used my cup yet" said L before March Hare shoved him into the next chair

"Now then as you were saying" said March Hare

"Well I was sitting waiting for Light" said L about to carry on when March Hare started banging on the table

"I have an excellent idea lets change the subject" he said firmly

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" asked Mad Hatter

"Oh riddles. Let me think" said L putting his thumb to his mouth and thought for a while. "Because Edgar Allan Poe wrote on both. Is that the answer?"

"The answer to what?" asked the Mad Hatter

"Your riddle"

"What riddle?

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

"Because Poe wrote on both" the Mad Hatter said proudly bowing and tipping his hat

"So I was right" said L smiling

"Right about what?" asked March Hare having another cup of tea

"Oh I haven't got time for this" said L firmly standing up. He was getting pretty sick of having to answer stupid questions.

"The time! Whose got the time?" called out March Hare. Just as he called it out the White Rabbit came running through. He was now wearing a buglers outfit with a red heart on the front. "The White Rabbit!" said L turning around.

"Oh I'm so late!" chanted White Rabbit fretting. Mad Hatter grabbed the oversized pocket watch and looked at it.

"No wonder you're late. This watch is two days slow. Of course you're late" he said idly dipping it in a cup of tea.

"Two days slow!!" said White Rabbit in horror

"I'm going to have to look into this" said Mad Hatter tearing open the watch and peeking inside. "This watch is full of wheels and springs. Don't worry I'll fix it" he said taking a fork and pulling out some of the wheels and springs.

"Oh my poor watch! But, but…."

"Butter! Of course" said March Hare handing a plate of butter to the Mad Hatter. L sat watching in horror as the Mad Hatter picked up a very big carving knife and slapped the butter onto the watch.

"No you'll get crumbs in it!" shouted the White Rabbit

"Oh this is the best butter. What are you talking about?" Insisted Mad Hatter shoving the butter in the White Rabbit's face.

"You really shouldn't do that" said L but nobody was paying attention to him

_This is crazy. What do they think they're doing?_

"Jam?" said March Hare passing a pot of jam to L to give to the Mad Hatter

"Oh jam yes. I forgot all about jam" said Mad Hatter smearing the jam on the poor watch then he took out big handful of the jam and shoved it in his mouth greedily. "Right, that should do it." He said wiping the jam off his face and shutting the watch. The watch started to jump around insanely making loud ticking and ringing noises. Everybody gasped. "Oh no!" exclaimed L

"It's a mad watch!" called out Mad Hatter

"There's only one way to stop a mad watch" shouted March Hare and smashed the watch with a big mallet he pulled out of his pocket. Mad Hatter looked down at the watch.

"Two days slow that's what it is" he said calmly and pushed it over to White Rabbit

"Oh my poor watch" sobbed White Rabbit

"It was!" smiled Mad Hatter adjusting his hat completely oblivious to the fact he had stuffed it with butter and jam and the watch was now smashed

_This guy is very bipolar_. L thought watching how fast Mad Hatter's moods switched back and forth then again he was completely mad.

"It was a beyond-birthday present too" he snivelled

"Well in that case!" yelled the March Hare and Mad Hatter

"A very merry beyond-birthday to you" they sang and threw the White Rabbit out of the party

"Oh Mr Rabbit!!" yelled L running after him. As he ran he tripped. "Ouch!" he cried and looked up. "I have to be more careful running". He stood up and dusted himself off. "Oh now where's he gone? I'm getting sick of this" L looked behind him only to see the Mad Hatter & March Hare back to singing their silly song and drinking their tea. He was sort of hoping they'd invite him back but they were too wrapped up in their stupid beyond-birthday party. L got on his feet. "This is the maddest tea party I've ever been to in all my life" he grumbled. He started to storm off out of the beautiful bright coloured garden even though the only reason he was grumpy was because he didn't get to have any tea.

* * *

**LOL I was really looking forward to writing this chapter. It is actually my favorite part in the story. I'm so pleased about it. Not as funny as I was hoping it but I love Beyond Birthday as the Mad Hatter. Hope you all are enjoying this story so far *tips big oversized black & red hat*.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviews my stories.....you rock *gives you a cup of tea***


	5. Near & Misa The King & Queen of Hearts

"I'm sick of all this madness. I wanna go home and work on the Kira case and what's more I wanna get out of this stupid dress" L grumbled. He walked back into the forest and saw a sign. "Tolgey Wood? This wasn't here before" he put his thumb to his lips. "Well this was where I came from so logically I should go back this way" he said wondering into the wood. The wood was filled with more weird creatures. Normally L would be shocked but he'd spent so much time in Wonderland that he'd gotten used to all of them. He peeked over a fallen tree and saw a bunch of what looked like a cross between vultures and umbrellas. They were creepy looking they screamed and squawked at L. L backed up nervously.

It was starting to get dark and nothing looked familiar. He walked along a path but it led nowhere. L took out his mobile 'No Network Connection'. He sighed and sat down. "Well that's just great. I'm lost and my mobile doesn't work" he sulked for a while. "I suppose I'm going to just have to stay here until someone finds me" he sighed.

The woods were really creepy and L was miserable. He just wanted to go home. Then he heard a familiar singing. "I own a feathered pillow but I slumber on the sod cos obviously, quiet obviously I'm odd". L looked around and saw a familiar floating smile.

"Oh Mello! I mean Cheshire Cat. It's you." He said

"Well who were you expecting?" said the pink and purple body appearing in the tree and taking a bite of the chocolate

"Honestly I wasn't expecting anyone" moaned L

"Really? I would've thought you'd be expecting The White Rabbit" said Cheshire Cat lazily

"Oh no I'm sick of the White Rabbit. I wanna go home but I can't find my way"

"Well of course you can't. That's because you don't have a way. Always in Wonderland is the Queen's way" said Cheshire Cat holding two small sections of his hair in bunches and giggling.

"Queen? I haven't met any Queen" said L putting his thumb to his lips

"You haven't? You haven't?! Oh you must she'll be mad about you simply mad!" laughed Cheshire Cat he laughed so much his head fell off but he managed to catch it

"How can I find her?" asked L biting his finger nail

"Well" said Cheshire Cat screwing his head on. "Some people go this way. Some people go that way. I personally prefer the short cut" he said and pulled on a branch. When he pulled on the branch a door opened on the tree.

"Whoa!" gasped L in awe and looked up at tree but Cheshire Cat was gone. He slowly walked through the door and into a big hedge maze the hedges had little red and white flowers. On them and were very high. L went idly walking through the hedge maze. He started to hear singing and whistling.

_Why does everyone sing here?_

The singing was on the other side of the hedge. He jumped up to try and see who was singing on the other side. He couldn't see but eventually managed to find an opening in the hedge and he peeked in only to see what looked like a 3 playing card with a head, arms and legs painting the rose bushes.

_W-what?! That's Matsuda!_

"Painting the roses red, I'm painting the roses red. Many a tear I shed because I know they won't grow and they'll soon be dead" he sang while painting the roses. L walked up behind him and tapped his shoulder.

"Pardon me but Matsui…..I mean Mr 3. Why are you painting them red?" he asked in the same sing song tune that the Matsuda card sang in. The card turned around

"Oh! Well you see Miss it's like this. I planted the white roses by mistake and the Queen likes them red. She'd raise a fuss and I'd quickly lose my head and that's why I'm painting the roses" he said and carried on painting.

_Oh Matsuda even in Wonderland you're a stupid klutz_

L was a bit angry that the card had mistaken him for a girl. The card continued to sing as he painted. "I'll help you" said L picking up a brush and joining in the singing.

"Painting the roses red. We're painting the roses red. Yes, painting the roses red" the two sang together. Suddenly a trumpet sounded.

"The Queen!!" shouted the card and tried to hide all the paint. A big parade of cards came through. Each of the cards had a member of the task force or the SPK on them. L looked at them amazed.

_Aizawa, Mogi, Ide, Chief Yagami? Rester, Lidner, Gevanni?_

"Cards halt!" a voice called out

The 3 card lay on the floor. L followed his example and lay face down. The trumpet sounded again and The White Rabbit came running through. Now though he was dressed in a bugler's outfit with a heart on the front.

_So this is what Light was late for_

He stopped and started speaking. "Her imperial highness, her Excellency, her grace, her royal majesty. The Queen of Hearts" a young, pretty woman walked through she had long blonde hair with two bunches. Nestled in-between them was a silver and black crown with diamonds in. She was wearing a full length, strapless red ball gown which had a long train to it and an elegant white hemline with small black dots on it. Like a Dalmatian. She smiled sweetly as she walked through the arches. The White Rabbit continued. "And his majesty The King of Hearts." As he spoke a very pale boy with white hair and an expressionless face walked through. He too wore a crown and he had elegant red & white kingly robes on. He carried a staff with a heart on it in one hand and twirled his hair with the other.

_Misa & Near are the King & Queen of Hearts?_

The Queen looked around and suddenly her sweet smile disappeared. She marched over to one of the rose bushes. One flower was unpainted and she noticed. "Who's been painting my roses red?" she growled. "WHO'S BEEN PAINTING MY ROSES RED?! For ruining my royal flower bed. Someone will lose their head!" she shouted and walked over to the 3 card. "You!" she shrieked

"Oh please your grace" he begged the Queen

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!" She ordered without thinking twice. L looked up from the ground only to see two cards drag the 3 card away.

"Oh please he was only trying to…"

"Oh my! A little girl" said the Queen sweetly the King walked up to L and looked at him

"Oh my dear. This isn't a girl" he said lightly tugging at L prompting him to stand up

"Then what is it? It's not a heart. Is it a club?" she asked seeming quite interested in L

_What an idiot_

"It's a young man. My darling" said the King. The Queen looked confused

"A young man?"

"Yes" said L

"Speak nicely, stand up properly, curtsy and always say 'yes your majesty'" she ordered

"Yes your majesty" said L and grudgingly curtseyed. He felt like such a fool. The Queen smiled sweetly again and looked at the King who just twirled his hair

"Now where do you come from? And where are you going?" she said in a cute, sweet voice

"Well your majesty I'm trying to find my way home" said L

"Your way?! All ways here are my ways!" screeched the Queen

"Yes I know your majesty but I was only thinking"

"Curtsy while you're thinking" she said. "It saves time"

"Yes your majesty" said L reluctantly curtsying. "I would just like to ask you"

"I'll ask the questions" she snapped and stroked L's face. "Do you play croquet?"

"Well, yes your majesty, a little" he replied

"Then let the game begin!" The Queen smiled and fluttered her eyelashes. The King turned to the cards and clapped his hands to get their attention.

"Come on everyone places, places!" he commanded in his voice which never seemed to change. "Deuce, get the mallets and balls" The King ordered.


	6. Misa's Croquet Game

The deuce came running back with the strangest croquet set L had ever seen. The mallets were flamingos and the balls were live hedgehogs. "Places" said the King twirling his white hair not changing his voice. The cards all assembled on the playing field and bent over into arches. The Queen grabbed a flamingo roughly and dragged it over to the hedgehog which was partly asleep. When L tried to hold his flamingo it tried to fly away and squawked dragging L around and causing the Queen to lose her temper again. "SILENCE!!" she screamed. L didn't want to lose his head so he clamped the bird's beak together to shut it up. The Queen took her flamingo and straightened out its neck and took a swing. She was absolutely awful she didn't even hit it she just spun around. While she wasn't looking the King took his staff and nudged the hedgehog to roll along. All the cards moved so that the hedgehog went through everyone and the hedgehog made sure to go through them all.

_That's cheating!_

A roar of cheers and claps came from everyone and the Queen smiled sweetly thinking she was actually good. L shrugged and started to clap too. The Queen looked at him and giggled. To think that such a sweet looking girl could be a killer. The Queen skipped over to the hedgehog for her second shot. It was a miracle she didn't trip over her beautiful dress. She took her swing and again the King nudged the hedgehog. The cards all ran to try and make the hedgehog go through them. One card though didn't make it and the hedgehog didn't go through his arch. "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!" yelled the Queen immediately. The cards dragged him away. "You're next"

"Err…." L spluttered

"My dear" said the Queen sweetly gesturing to him to the field. L curtseyed. He hated it but he hated the thought of losing his head more.

"Thank you your majesty" he said. The Queen giggled again. L picked up his flamingo and went towards the hedgehog. His hedgehog tried to walk off but L just put it back. "Stay" he said to it as if it were a dog. L was about to take his swing and his flamingo went limp. He heard some of the cards laugh softly. L pushed the flamingo to the ground and grabbed it by the neck but the flamingo stood up lifting L straight off of the ground. All the cards laughed at him. He tried wrestling with the flamingo but it just didn't want to co-operate. The Queen started to get impatient and grumbled. "Do you want us both to lose our heads?" growled L

"Uh huh" squawked the flamingo

"Well I don't" L said sternly. The flamingo tried to fly away again. L got angry at all the cards laughing at him and grabbed the flamingo so tightly round the neck that it choked and hit the hedgehog phenomenally hard. All the cards moved out the way or flattened themselves so L's hedgehog didn't get through any of them. Again everyone laughed. L put his hands on his hips and pouted.

_They don't play fairly at all here, I hate it_

The Queen smiled and took hold of her flamingo for her turn. There was a slight humming and Cheshire Cat appeared eating his chocolate as usual. "I say, how are you getting on?"

"Not well at all" grumbled L

"Beg pardon"

"I said not well at all!"

"Who are you talking to?" asked the Queen rather grumpily

"Well the Cheshire Cat your majesty"

"Cat? Where?" asked the Queen and Mello disappeared as she looked

"Oh there he is….Oh there he is again" said L pointing but the Cheshire Cat kept appearing and disappearing. Eventually the Queen got sick of it.

"I warn you. If I lose my temper you lose your head. Understand?" she growled waving her flamingo at L. L nodded and the Queen flicked her blonde hair and went to take her lousy shot.

"You know. We could make her really angry. Shall we try?" said Cheshire Cat slyly

"No" said L fretting

"Oh but its loads of fun" giggled Cheshire Cat putting the beak of the Queen's flamingo under her dress. As soon as the Queen took her swing the skirt of her dress was pulled over her head and she tripped up and squealed when she hit the floor.

"Oh no!!" cried L

"Oh dear! Save the Queen" ordered the King. All the cards fretted and ran around her.

"Someone's head will roll for this" she growled pointing to L. "OFF WITH HIS….."

"Consider my dear, he should have a trial first" said the King who seemed to be fond of L since he had not offered a trial to anyone else

"Trial?" she squeaked

"Yes my dear" said the King. L nodded and the Queen thought for a minuet she looked at the King and smiled sweetly.

"Very well then" she said and stroked the King's pale face flirtatiously. "Let the trial begin!"


	7. Escape From Wonderland

The courtroom was large and elegant with a beautiful marble floor and mahogany furniture. L stood in the dock dreading what chaos would unfurl. The King & Queen of Hearts sat at the bench the Queen was admiring herself in a mirror while the King just twirled his white hair his staff was leaning against his throne. L sighed he wanted to go home so much. He leaned over to one of the cards who looked like Aizawa standing by the dock. "Excuse me" he whispered. The card looked up. "Am I really going to have my head cut off?" the card shrugged

"There are a lot of executions scheduled in Wonderland but very few actually take place. When the Queen isn't looking the King secretly pardons some people of course this doesn't always happen for example with the duchess" he said

"Who's the duchess?" asked L but was interrupted by the sound of the bugle which the White Rabbit played as he entered the court. The White Rabbit brushed his light brown fringe and stroked his white ears before taking out a scroll. "*ahem* your majesties, members of the jury and loyal subjects. The prisoner is charged with enticing her majesty the beloved Queen of Hearts into a game of croquet followed by teasing, tormenting and otherwise…."

"Never mind all that! Get to the part where I lose my temper" demanded the Queen impatiently. The White Rabbit swiftly looked down the long list.

"And there by causing the Queen to lose her temper." The Queen smiled

"Now then are you ready for your sentence?" she said fluttering her eyelashes

"Sentence? But there must be a verdict first" L insisted

"Sentence first, verdict afterwards" she smiled sweetly

"But that isn't the way…"

"ALL WAYS ARE…"

"Your ways, your majesty" said L politely curtsying in his little blue dress

"Yes my dear" giggled the Queen flicking her long blonde hair back. "OFF WITH…."

"Consider my dear. We've called no witnesses" interrupted the King the Queen sulked

"Oh alright but get on with it" she whined

"Call the first witness" ordered the King

"First witness, the March Hare!" called out White Rabbit. Two of the cards escorted A the brown eared, golden blonde boy to the front. He sat in the witness box and straightened his big bow tie. "What do you know of this unfortunate affair?" asked the King

"Nothing" said the March Hare

"Nothing whatever?!" shouted the Queen

"Nothing whatever!" A shouted back at her

"That's very important. Jury take note of that" the Queen ordered

_Sheesh what next? _

"Next witness" ordered the King

"The Mad Hatter" called out White Rabbit and in strutted Mad Hatter. He bowed and sat on the ledge of the witness box next to the March Hare. "I'm dead" L said to himself

"Where were you when this horrible crime was committed?" asked the King

"I was home drinking tea" said Mad Hatter taking off his oversized red & black hat and taking a cup of tea that was balancing on top of his scruffy jet black hair. "Today is my beyond-birthday ya know" he said putting his hat back on and taking a sip of tea. The King turned to the Queen. "My dear today is your beyond-birthday too"

"It is" she smiled

"It is" said the Mad Hatter & March Hare in unison and started singing. "A very merry beyond-birthday"

"To me?" she sung. L put his head in his hands as they continued to sing their beyond-birthday song. He was starting to get a headache. By the end of the song though the Queen was happy. L put his thumb to his lips hoping that now she was happy she'd drop the charges. Than a familiar smile appeared on the back of the Queen's throne and a familiar purple & pink body formed. "Oh your majesty, look there he is now"

"Huh? What? Who?" asked the Queen looking around

"The Cheshire Cat" moaned L pointing

"CAT!!" screamed the Queen and accidentally knocked her beautiful crown off. It fell to the floor and crashed. She screamed with horror. L put his hands in the pockets of his apron and pulled out the pieces of the mushroom he had gotten earlier. "The mushroom, I completely forgot" he said but couldn't remember which piece was which. L panicked and ate both pieces of the mushroom at once.

"OFF WITH HIS…" the Queen stopped shouting when L suddenly grew he bumped his head on the ceiling again but that didn't matter to him. He looked down and saw the cards jabbing him. L picked up and handful of them. "I'm not afraid of you. You're nothing but a pack of cards" he said and chucked them away. L looked coldly down at the stunned courtroom. "Rule 42 all persons more than a mile high must leave court immediately" ordered the King who was the only person in the room whose expression hadn't changed.

"I'm not a mile high and I'm not leaving" L insisted crossing his arms grumpily

"Sorry rule 42" said the Queen nervously

"As for you your majesty. You're not a Queen you're just an annoying, vain, self-centred, bad tempered sleaze bag" he said not realizing until it was too late that he was shrinking to his normal size. The Queen put on an evil smile.

"What was that you were saying?" she asked looking at the worried L. Then Cheshire Cat appeared behind her taking a bite of his chocolate. "Well he simply said that you're an annoying, vain, self-centred, bad tempered sleaze bag" he laughed

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!" screamed the Queen this time the King didn't try to stop her. L bolted he ran as fast as he could. Chased by a vast army of cards and the King & Queen of Hearts. L tripped but instead of falling onto the ground he found his surroundings had changed now he was suddenly running along a table. There were tea pots whistling and the Mad Hatter & March Hare tried to stop L. "Wait a minuet you can't leave a tea party without having a cup of tea insisted the mad hatter."

"I can't stop now" said L looking back and seeing the cards and the Queen catching up on him

"Ah but we insist you must join us in a cup of tea" said the March Hare as they threw poor L into a giant tea cup. L found himself swimming desperately in a pool of tea. Strange objects were floating everywhere. Then L saw a familiar figure in front of him floating on a mushroom. "Matt! I mean Mr Caterpillar what should I do?"

"Who R U?" asked the caterpillar blowing smoke in L's face. L found himself floating in the smoke closely followed by the cards and Queen. He saw the door with Watari's face as a door handle and tried to open it but couldn't. "Ouch!!" yelled the door handle

"Open up" said L panicking

"You sure? You told me to shut up earlier and that's what I did" said the door handle

"But the Queen I must get out"

"But you are out"

"What?"

"See for yourself" said the door handle opening his mouth. L looked through and saw himself snuggled up in his chair.

"What? I'm asleep" L turned around he could hear the Queen continuously screaming 'off with his head' L bit his lip and started yelling through the door. "Ryuzaki wake up. Please wake up Ryuzaki. Ryuzaki!" he shut his eyes and kept telling himself to wake up. The next time he opened them he found himself in his arm chair with Light shaking him gently. "Ryuzaki wake up" said Light. L looked down at himself he was wearing his normal white shirt and blue jeans instead of the little blue dress and apron that he hated. "Huh? What happened?" asked L

"You had a sugar crash and fell asleep" explained Light.

L lay back in his favourite arm chair. _I hate it when that happens but I've never had a sugar crash quite as strange as that _he thought to himself smiling.

* * *

**A/N: Yep I know its been ages since I updated but it's finally finished. Hope you all enjoyed it and thanks for waiting. Luv ya all xxx.**


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